Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Your Secret Enemy: Finding your drinking nemesis

If you drink, eventually you get drunk. If you drink while partying with friends, for a celebration, or just to get drunk, one day you will drink a little to a lot too much. If you are a problem drinker, you will start a blog with your friends to mask your problem. But that is besides the point.

Peer pressure, marital or dating strife, and regular old fate are irrelevant. There is a much more sinister plot working underneath your reasons that you are curled up with the bathroom mat at 4 AM sincerely believing that there can't be ANYTHING left inside you to throw up. This plot has an architect. That architect is a brand of alcohol.

Before I launch into the particulars, I just want to say that tequila gets a very unfair rap. Yes, tequila made you sick. Yet, tequila makes everyone sick, so you are not a special little snowflake. Also, tequila was at least partially responsible for anywhere from 1 to 8 times in your life where you had a fantastic time (regardless whether or not you got sick after those times). Tequila's purpose is do create unsafe mayhem and fun. You accept this when you lick the salt.

There are other drinks that inspire only pain and remorse (mostly, the puking kind). It is different for everyone, but everyone has a drinking nemesis. It is perfectly natural to have a nemesis. He-Man had Skeletor, Samuel L. Jackson has some airborne motherf'n snakes, and even A.C. Slater has Tartikoff. If you have trouble locating your drinking nemesis, try these steps:

1. Do you create a personality for a drink or liquor similar to that of an estranged ex? (example: "Gin and I don't talk anymore.")

2. Do all your friends not-so-secretly whisper to others warning them against giving you a certain drink? (example: "I wouldn't order that round of martinis, or we'll never see Jill again tonight- wink, wink.")

3. Do your friends continue to bring up embarrassing stories about you? Do they all involve the same drink? (example: every single one of my friends. You guys are asses.)

4. When perusing the liquor counter and beer aisle, does the very site of a certain bottle make you want to spew bile onto the hapless stockboy? (example: Every time I even think of HypnotiQ even though I've never gotten sick from it)

My personal nemesis is gin. The last time I encountered my nemesis, left the battle with a busted shoulder, a purple toilet bowl (probably from the plum I had eaten), the inability to craw more than two feet without collapsing, and a death wish (friend-"Going to breakfast now, anything you want?" me-"I want to die....eeeeergh...").

After unearthing my nemesis, I now know who to blame for my drinking misfortunes. Hopefully, you have also learned. Continue on my blameless drinkers!


  1. Don't forget about the Eddie Izzard DVD we put on for you to watch while we were out to breakfast.

  2. yeah... thanks. I am so glad you reminded me. I hope your sarcasm machine is going off the charts because I'm laying it on real thick.

  3. clean it up boys, I didn't even know you were doing any porcelin hugging. I thought you were at karate practice. -mom